creating wellness

“you’re creating this illness,” a small voice said in the night, and my soul accepted the truth without query.

with the acceptance came empowerment. if i was creating it. i could stop it. 

i stopped indulging in the drama and exaggeration of supposed future events. i stopped telling myself my issues are any different than anyone else’s. 

invoking a sense of presence where i was then and there, in my clean, quiet, warm, dry and safe bed, i dropped into my present reality. 

this skill has been called mindfulness, and seems to me a kind of meditation, but whatever it is, it’s delicious. in daylight hours, it sometimes begins with peripheral vision. i move my awareness from what’s going on in my head down into my beating heart and to my belly deep breath and let my eyes and ears become aware of the space i’m in. 

as a young adult i can remember my mother telling me that while lying awake and anxious at night, she’s learning to count the things she feels. “i feel my long leg’s between the sheets, i feel the softness of my feather pillow, etc.” and then there was my newly-wedded husband telling in bed sometimes he starts by telling his toes to relax and moves his focus upwards until he’s all cozy and chilled-out (my words😂).

as a child i remember learning to control my temper by “keeping things in my outer environment”.  my mother had had her own mental health crisis and recovery at age 30, and was always passing these type of phrases on to me, most of them helpful. 

what i’ve learned more recently is to to do the reverse. bringing my focus into my outer environment and my body’s experience of it, not only does it free me from internalizing everything; it makes me a participant. i become the subject, the actor, not just the observer way up inside my head somewhere. someone to whom her life just happens, a victim. i become the force of my life.  

i needed to to learn to take my experience outside of myself. we live with this duality. life is an inner and an outer experience that requires a measure of balance. this is wellness: not abandoning yourself in either realm. 

mindfulness is not the word I would choose to describe this way i have of acknowledging my feelings integrating the present experience of my body. a full mind does not seem a calming force to me 😂, but i do understand the idea and concede: bringing your mind into the very present moment you are actually in, is a delicious treat. taste “the presence” of the present moment. i swear! it’s the deliciousness of our forgotten childhood. be here for yourself, now.

the present is where we actually live, wether we know it or not.  yes, yes the past is recorded in our bodies and minds, and the future needs to be considered. But the present is where we meet our friends. it’s where we meet our loved ones, our pets, and in solitude, it is where we can soothe ourselves with very presence of god. 

the PRESENT is where ❤️ LOVE happens. think of it...this is where we LOVE and are loved! this is living. come to meet it...meet yourself, meet your life! don’t miss it!!! be, be, and be present.